Saturday, December 24, 2005
hellohello!! i'm back. *gasp*
i was just wrapping presents,writing lil cards for my love ones and thinking about everything. about parts of my whole year. about friends. about family. and sometimes when you think lots it feel a little empty inside a little saddness somehow.
sometimes i think as i grow older i feel as if my cicrle of friends expands too much and fast. tho a lil more selected. perhaps it is a good. yet unconcious thing.
you know the famous question to test yourself truthfully is the 'who is the ONE person you know that you can call at 3am in the morning when you feel like breaking down.' the truth is that i can only think of prolly TWO person who i'll want to talk to at that point of time and who will wake up to my call.
it is odd. how sometimes you feel un-needed. it is not a particularly sad feeling but it is just a strange dawning that everything and everyone gets by perfectly fine even without your presence that perhaps you are not so important after all.
sometimes i think about how many things cicrled around me once, where i felt needed and in need. and sometimes when i just sit down and think. again i'm a drifter not in any particular circle.
but i have special people in my life, who catches me when i'm drifting halfway and say, hey stay with me. and so i stay and feel loved and needed and for that fleeying moments, whole and complete.
it is a ver odd feeling in all. that no correct words seems to describe it.
sometimes i think about it. i'd like very much to blame my parents for the way things have turned out for me socially perhaps. the stringent and rather strict method. i wld like to say it's all their fault and push the blame because it is an easier way.
but the truth is i kept things to myself many many times. and i hate appearing upset and angry or what not. so ive learnt to tuck it away somewhere far far away and numb it out. it's perhaps too familiar a procedure that right now, i think many about things but i just keep my mouth shut, fingers still and put my smile back in place.
i'm not particularly upset or depressed. perhaps pensive i guess.
it has been a trying year. and the particular one who knows will know. and im almost half-glad it is going to be over. but the gladness is laced with many doubts and certain fear and insercurities.
because there are only a few days left till the end of 2005. and the end of 2005 would mean the start of the agreement for two years. two long years.
and so i think to myself. what so i do?
ah. i dont think anyone will really get this. ohwells. i just needed to get it off my chest.
to all my boylies nad girlies,
Hope you all like my xmas gifts and the lil cards that ive written.
to angela, nette , johny...,i hope by now, you've receive those cards.
did i mention that i gave my whole class xmas gifts? ha!!! im ms santa! whahah.
all precious, selected and sifted. Merry christmas all.
Many thnks to all my babes and dudes who gave me presie too. LOve them too much. and yesh, kevin. MUCH THANKS goes out to you. I LOVE THE BIRKENSTOCK to bits!!! wheeee!! tho im limping now...im still able to show it off by limping! whahhaha!
yet somehow christmas doesnt seem quite christmas this year. prolly of the study break.
F*ck the school. F*ck the common tests.f*ck my blardy injuried leg.to all,
God bless, Amen.
merry xmas!
penned.
12/24/2005 02:09:00 PM
