sigh. so this is what it feels like to be 18. pretty crummy actually, this state of being. where being a child is no longer acceptable (when this happen? the shutting out of innocence..)and having sense and control reigns. although i resent being this way, i feel somehow justified. i always wanted to be taken seriously, but now when i am, i realise i'm getting growing up all wrong.
i guess this comes with the sacrifice of vices and bad habits i've fallen into, like complaining, and being self-centred. all these have become unconscious and as of late, a pain to people around me. could i have turned out differently? i'm now ready to stop wondering about possibilities, and actually create realities.
i need strength like i've never experienced before. strength to pull through all the difficulties of school, of young love,of committments, of responsibilities in life that will always be there, whether i like it or not.
i realise more clearly than ever, that every action will go scrutinized in the world, and possibly criticised. i have to still learn how to let go of pleasing people because i'll never gain any ground that way. i have to relax sometimes, being uptight never got anyone that way. i'm trying to see things from other people's point of view, to not assume that my way is the right way it's going to be difficult!!!! oh dear me. no fear.