Wednesday, April 13, 2005
tiny incident made me very angry at myself. angry because i couldn't understand myself and why i couldn't just give it up.
the truth is out there - stark, naked and practically served on a silver platter. and yet my brain can just circumvent all that to live in its own wholly unrealistic world where wishes come true and dreams arent just dreams.
and i hate myself for it.argghh.
its consumed so much of my life and thought it's almost scary.
im glad ive changed and am changing myself for it, believing that somehow it would matter. but it doesnt.
i smile and laugh everyday but it's getting harder and harder to keep up the facade and pretend that everything is fine and dandy, but it isnt.
the way i try to escape from my problems.
whenever theres too much in my head, whenever im so confused and lost...i just somehow want physical pain as a means of releasing the thoughts in my head.
physical pain from like running.
but ill never ever commit suicide although there doesnt seem to be anything for me to live for.
you will say,
cheered up considerably exams are over?
the thoughts are still there, just temporarily pushed aside, of course.
the worst part of it all is that i really dont understand. at all. what do my feelings mean? what does this mean?
what does that mean?
one big mystery, and im the only one who knows about it. ill solve it. someday, somehow.
but right now i guess i should be trying to concentrate on my studies. instead of something like this.
when will miracles happen?! will it ever happen?im looking forward to meeting you soon. u heard me?
penned.
4/13/2005 06:14:00 PM
